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Stories Page
All of the stories of drunken antics, spectacular falls and trip reports.

Click on a year to get all of the printable reports about what we got up to as a club-

Dont forget, theres more trip reports on the Alumni Page!

Stupid things people are still trying to live down, or in some cases are proud of-

Drunk Page - The definitive guide to all the drunken antics that have went on in the club.

Fallers Page - A list of all the spectacular departures from the rock that members have taken.

What is it like to be a climber? Many have asked, this is a good place to find the answer-

Freshers Trip 2001/2002 - Through the eyes of an American.

Muckross - A day at Muckross Head causes much thought.

Alps - Confessions of an Alpinist/Alcoholic

Buchille - Johnny attempts to live the hippy life

The club has, on occasion, good reason to sing. Drunkenness and word-forgetting generally means that we have our own 'special' club version, so these are written down too!-

The Wild Rover

I've been a Wild Rover for many a year
And I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer,
And now I'm returning with gold in great store
And I never will play the wild rover no more.

Chorus
And it's no, nay, never,
No nay never no more,
Will I play the Wild Rover
No never, no more.

I went to an ale-house I used to frequent
And I told the landlady my money was spent.
I asked her for credit, she answered me "nay
Such a custom as yours I could have any day."

Chorus

I took from my pocket ten sovereigns bright
And the landlady's eyes opened wide with delight.
She said "I have whiskey and wines of the best
And the words that I ‘ve spoken were only in jest."

Chorus

I'll go home to my parents, confess what I've done
And I'll ask them to pardon their prodigal son.
And if they caress me as ofttimes before
Then I swear I will play the Wild Rover no more.

The other verses....

I've been a right pervert for many a year
And I've spent all me money on tight leather gear
And now I'm returning pursued by the law
And I swear I will pester those children no more.

I went to a brothel; I'd been there before,
And I asked them to find me a suitable whore,
They found me a stunner, but oh, just my luck
I'd forgotten my money so she wouldn' t dance.

I went up a mountain with Marilyn Monroe
And the bits that were pointy got covered in snow
And I said to Marilyn "Can I make you scream?"
She said "Do what you like cos it's your f*cking dream"

UUJMC Version

I've been a Rock climber for many a year
And I've spent all my money on rock climbing gear,
And now I'm returning with gear in great store
And I never will play the rock climber no more.

Chorus
And it's no, nay, never, (coil up your rope)
No nay never no more,
Will I play the rock climber
No never, no more.

I went to an crag that I used to frequent
And I told the belayer my gear was all spent.
I asked for a top-rope, he answered me "nay"
Shouting "come on you twat you've been up there all day."

Chorus

I took from my pocket a Camelot bright
And I prayed to my God that the fucker would bite.
I got to the crux and I shouted down "Tight!"
Cos' the rock in my hands was just crumbly oul' shite.

Chorus

-Rick, Johnny and Steve

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Bohemian Rhapsody

(To be sung with the accompaniment of a loud and badly played keyboard)

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.
Open your eyes, look into the skies and see.
I'm just a poor boy, earning no sympathy
Because I'm easy come, easy go, little high, little low.
Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me...to me.

Mama, just killed a man, put a gun against his head,
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead.
Mama, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away.
Mama, didn't mean to make you cry.
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.

It's too late; my time has come;
Sent shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time.
Goodbye everybody, I've got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.
Mama, I don't wanna die.
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Scaramouche? Scaramouche? Will you do the fandango?
Thunderbolts and lightening, very, very frightening me!
Galileo (Galileo), Galileo (Galileo), Galileo Figaro, Magnifico-o-o-o-o!
I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.
He's just a poor boy from a poor family,
Spare him his life from this monstrosity.
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Bismilah, no, we will not let you go!
Let him go!
Bismilah, no, we will not let you go!
Let me go...never, never, never, never let me go!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
O mama mia, mama mia, let me go!
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me!

So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye?
So you think you can love me and leave me to die?
Oh baby, can't do this to me baby!
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right out of here!

Nothing really matters, anyone can see,
Nothing really matters. Nothing really matters to me.
(Anyway, the wind blows)

- Queen

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I'm Gonna Be   (500 miles)

(100% correct version... must be sung in broad Scottish accent)

When I wake up, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
When I get drunk, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
An' when I haver, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's haverin' to you

Chorus
And I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles to fall down at your door.

When I'm working, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's working hard for you
And when the money, comes in for the work I do, I'll pass almost every penny on to you
When I come home, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And when I grow old, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you

Chorus

Da-na-na-da (Da-na-na-da)
Da-na-na-da (Da-na-na-da)
Da-na da-da-na da-da-na  da-da-na da na Daa...
(Repeat once)

When I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you
When I'm dreamin', well I know I'm gonna dream, I'm gonna dream about the time when I'm with you
When I go out, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
And when I come home, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
I'm gonna be the man who's coming home to you.

Chorus

Da-na-na-da (Da-na-na-da)
Da-na-na-da (Da-na-na-da)
Da-na da-da-na da-da-na  da-da-na da na Daa...
(Repeat three times)

Chorus to finish

-The Proclaimers, 1988

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The Irish Rover

In the year of our Lord, eighteen hundred and six,
We set sail form the sweet cove of Cork.
We were sailing away with our cargo of bricks
For the grand City Hall in New York.
We'd an elegant craft; she was rigged fore and aft,
And my, how the trade winds drove her,
She could stand several blasts; she had twenty-seven masts,
And they called her the Irish Rover.

There was Barney McGee from the backs of the Lee,
There was Hogan from County Tyrone,
There was Johnny McGurk, who was still scared of work,
And a chap from Westmeath named Malone.
There was Slugger O'Toole, who was drunk as a rule,
And 'Fighting' Bill Tracey from Dover,
And your man Mick McGann from the banks of the Bann
Was the skipper of the Irish Rover.

We had one million bags of the best Sligo rags,
We had two million barrels of bone,
We had three million bales of old nanny-goats tails,
We had four million barrels of stone.
We had five million hogs, six million dogs,
Seven million barrels of porter,
We had nine million sides of blind horses' hides
In the hold of the Irish Rover.

We had sailed seven years when the measles broke out,
And the ship lost her way in fog (thick fog!)
And the whole of the crew was reduced down to two,
'Twas myself and the captain's old dog.
Then the ship struck a rock, Lord what a shock!
I nearly tumbled over,
She turned nine times around and the poor old dog was drowned,
I'm the last of the Irish Rover.

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Ride On

True you ride the finest horse, I have ever seen,
Standing sixteen, one or two, with eyes wild and green.
And you ride the horse so well, hands light to the touch,
I could never go with you no matter how I wanted to.

Ride on, see you,
I could never go with you no matter how I wanted to

When you ride into the night without a trace behind,
Run your claw along my gut, one last time.
I turn to face an empty space, where once you used to lie
And look for a spark that lights the night, through a teardrop in my eye

Chorus

UUJMC Version

True you drive the finest hearse, I have ever seen,
Sixteen inch alloy wheels, Tinted windscreen.
You drive the hearse so well, one hand on the wheel,
I can never overtake no matter how I wanted to.

Drive on, slowly, I can never overtake,
No matter how I wanted to.

No furry dice hang from your mirror, or magic tree,
There's room for one, in the back, horizon-tally
Its got the gears from one to five, but its never past three,
It goes from naught to sixty, eventually (norn iron pronunciation- eventuallee!)

Chorus

Soon they'll build a super hearse, with an excavator
It'll dig the whole, drop in the coffin, filled in a second later.
The V-eight engine in the front, will shake the ground
And when you put your foot to the floor it'll go faster than sound

Chorus

-Rick

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Black is the Colour

UUJMC Version

Black is the colour, of my companies hearse,
I drive it so slowly, you'll think I'm in reverse.
Overloaded with flowers, and sympathy cards,
It can hold up the traffic, for a thousand yards.

No need for a turbo, or anti-lock breaks,
Cos apart from the wreak-less, no-one overtakes
And when they zoom by me, I can feel no regret,
Cos the faster they travel, the more business I get.

-Rick

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